It's a BOY!

We had a Level II ultrasound today, and I got my first 17P shot and cervical length check. It was a big day!!! We found just one marker for Down Syndrome, the baby had an echogenic bowel. Not a very strong marker, but for some reason the perinatologist decided to up my odds from 1:138 to 1:40. It seems silly to me as it's one of the softest markers out there, but whatever. I am beyond numbers fazing me at this point! We declined the amnio for now, and we have another Level II ultrasound and fetal echocardiogram scheduled for May 27th when I am about 19 1/2 weeks along, and at that point if we find anything concerning or if we just change our mind, we can still have the amnio done. Right now I'm feeling really at peace with our choice not to have it though - the doctor said the only difference would be non-stress tests weekly during the last part of the 3rd trimester (and honestly, if I make it that far I will be amazed, I just have a feeling) which we won't do without a diagnosis, *unless* anything else shows up on the ultrasounds. Which I now get every 4 weeks, hooray! And every 2 weeks as the 3rd trimester progresses. Again, assuming I make it that far. Forever the pessimist, me! lol. I just honestly cannot imagine being that pregnant. Anyway. As long as the baby is getting what he (HE!!!) needs, I'm good with that, whether he has Down Syndrome or not. No big deal as long as he stays safe and snug in my tummy.

And by now it's obvious we found out that it's a boy, lol. I'm only 15 1/2 weeks, but the ultrasound tech and the perinatologist both said 'boy' without hesitation, and I've been pretty sure it was a boy all along, so I'm going with it. I didn't get a good look at the 'goods' though, so there is a tiny bit of doubt in my mind. But we'll see for sure in 4 weeks!

I am thrilled that it's a boy. Honestly, I was hoping for a boy, just because... how do I explain? I think it will be easier for me to separate the pregnancies, and the babies, in my mind. It makes it easier for me to realize, this is a different pregnancy, and a different baby, so the outcome will be different. And once the baby is born, I think it will be easier for me not to think things like "Would Gabriella have been like this? Would she have had [insert problem here - colic, whatever]" because she's the 'perfect' baby in my mind. Does that even make sense?

But at the same time, I've shed a few tears today. I am so happy to be having a boy, and I already love him with all my heart. But this is not my Brie. And of course I have known all along that it isn't, that she isn't coming back. I'm not crazy (yet). But it makes me miss her. In this bizarre but very real way. It has nothing to do with 'gender disappointment' - because I really truly had a slight preference for a boy, for the reasons stated above. So please don't think that. I wouldn't have been disappointed if it had been a girl either though -it really doesn't matter to me. I just thought in a practical sense having a boy next would be easier on my mental health. If that makes any sense. I keep saying that lol. So it probably doesn't.

But overall, everything is really quite well. I'm super happy about that!