Heartbreak

I'm feeling so heartbroken right now. For a number of reasons.

First, my good friend Katie is in her first trimester and just found out she lost one of her twins. She has been through so much and being the wonderful mother that she is, she fell completely in love with both of her babies as soon as she knew they were both there. I can only imagine how the rest of the pregnancy will be for her - I hope she is blessed with one beautiful, healthy baby. But it will never, ever take away the pain of losing the other - and she'll remember and miss that baby for the rest of her life. It's not something you forget - it doesn't matter how far along you were in the pregnancy.

Also, I was looking back at posts I had made on my favorite message board, and realized that we had Gabriella's big ultrasound at 19 weeks 4 days - and we had an ultrasound today... at 19 weeks 4 days. I don't know why that hit me so hard - it's an odd coincidence, but nothing huge. I guess it's just that I remember how happy I was, I felt 'safe' and like nothing bad would happen... I was so naive. So naive! I had no idea that in 7 weeks I would be holding that little girl while she took her last breath, while her heart beat its last beautiful beat. This time, I hope in 7 weeks to still be pregnant. Today my doctor told me he 'hopes' to keep me pregnant for 10 more weeks, 15 being optimal, but a little optimistic as well. In case you aren't doing the math, 15 weeks would still be a 35 weeker. Technically still a preemie, but I'll take it! 10 more weeks would still mean several weeks in the NICU. But a much lower mortality rate. And that's what counts.

And of course looking at Brie's 19 week ultrasound pics led me to look at her other pictures... and her funeral pictures that I had posted there. Those are so incredibly hard to look at. It's like looking at them, I can remember so vividly how COLD she was. Cold, and stiff, and still. And the way the mortuary smelled, and the utter heartbreak of putting her in her coffin, and having to watch my husband put on the lid. I have no idea how he did that. He said afterward that he didn't know how he did it either, but that he was glad that he did. I don't know how I set her in her coffin for the last time - how someone didn't have to pry her out of my arms. Sometimes I look back and seriously marvel at how our bodies function - that God gave us that wonderful numbness, so we don't have to feel all that pain at once. That He allows the grieving process to take place over such a long period of time. Because if I had felt all the pain of that act at that moment, I surely would have died. I'm not being dramatic either. I really think I would have. I am so grateful that I was numb.

On a non-baby loss topic, I am also so heartbroken for my sister in law and her family. She is in the Navy and just got deployed to Afghanistan. She's going to an area that is known to have a high rate of casualties. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for her to leave her family, how difficult that *last day* must have been. She'll be gone for nine months. She's an absolutely amazing woman.

It's been sort of a hard night.