Mother's Day and Milestones

I want to write some profound Mother's Day post - but I don't really know what to say. I've already been crying on and off, of course. Some minutes are overwhelmed with grief for my babies I cannot hold.. and other ones are joyful that I have a baby on the way that maybe I will get to keep this time.

Mostly the moments when I cry are right after I think about what my biggest (realistic) wish is today. Of course I wish that none of this had ever happened, that I could have my miscarriage baby, and Brie, and this baby, everyone all together, but I know that's not possible. Realistically, I wish that I could visit my daughter's grave today. And the fact that I wish that so fervently breaks my heart all over again for myself. I realize it's a pity party, but seriously. How awful that I should have to wish that. The best way I can think of spending Mother's Day, excluding changing the situation altogether, is hovering over the place where my child's perfect little body is buried in the cold hard ground. I wish I could put some flowers on her grave. I wish that there was a headstone on her grave. I wish that there was something tangible that I could do to honor her life, because even though she's not here, she made me a mother.

And tomorrow is six months since she was born. Two days ago was a year since my miscarriage. It was Mother's Day weekend in 2008 that I was miscarrying. The 13th is six months since Brie died. So many milestones this week.