Mixed Feelings

I've had such huge mood swings the last few days.. I think I just might be about to go crazy. Not really. But it kind of feels like it.

I don't think the progesterone shots help. I have been crying over everything. If my husband looks at me the wrong way, I cry. I cry over commercials on the tv and radio, and over random thoughts that come into my head.

Some of the thoughts deserve a good cry. Like, I was thinking about the day when we were at the mortuary, making arrangements. As we were there, Gabriella's body was delivered - she had to be transported from Texas, and you have to have a license and things to transport dead bodies apparently. Anyway. They asked me if I wanted to see her. I said no. Why? Did I not realize that in a few short hours my daughter's tiny, perfect body would be buried in the ground and I would never be able to hold it or kiss it ever again? I know why I said no though - it would have been the first time I saw her after she was embalmed, and I was scared of what I would see. And I was already so overwhelmed with everything that I just couldn't. But I wish I had said yes.

Other thoughts, not so much. Like after squashing a random ant crawling on the wall, thinking that this ant is likely some other ant's mother or father or brother or sister. It's an ant. But I still cried.

I cried in the baby section of Wal Mart yesterday. Just for a minute. I think it was short enough and quiet enough that my husband didn't notice. Or if he did, he didn't say anything. Maybe he was feeling the same way and didn't want to go there. I don't know. I am so excited for our little baby boy. But it still keeps hitting me, every now and again, that I'm having to be excited for a different child. All the girls' clothes that Brie will never grow in to stood out a mile over the boys' clothes yesterday, for some reason. All the little girly things I should have been shopping for that I don't need any more. That she will never need. And it's just... it's just kind of a stab in the heart. I don't feel angry. Just sad. Sad that I will never know my little girl. My precious baby girl.

All these mixed feelings are so hard. It's especially hard because I know that they will never go away. I will always think about what should have been, and mourn that it isn't. Yet I'll always be happy for what is. If Brie hadn't died, I wouldn't be having her little brother. They joys that this child will bring me would never be if things had been different. It's all just very mixed up, painful, joyful, and confusing.